The Struggle of Separated Fathers after Divorce

The psychological consequences of an unwanted separation from the wife and children are extremely varied. Some men (40%) attempt to reduce the emotional impact or eliminate it by consuming alcohol, often very shortly after the separation. An important and more helpful strategy is talking to friends. It has been proven that 83% of men find this very helpful. The support of the family is also very important. Counselors and therapists also offer appropriate assistance. Over 50% of men consider physical activities to be very helpful, while 45% find the way out by making new acquaintances and building new friendships. Contacts with self-help organizations and exchanges with fellow separated fathers have also been described as very important. These activities have all been described as helpful strategies to overcome the emotional shock caused by separation.


Abandoned fathers develop different long-term reactions. Many men deal with the horrible feeling of uncertainty, while others improve their emotional situation by building new partnerships. They also experience different feelings towards their separated wives: there are increased conflicts when visits are paid or child support payments dominate the picture. 95% of abandoned fathers have more contact with their children.



Here is an example of what an abandoned father feels like: "My low spirits get lower and lower every day because I think about my kids... I think about them all the time. I get to see my daughter from time to time. My visiting time is three hours and then I must wait another two weeks to see her. That is very sad... I cannot get used to it..."



79% of fathers report that they are having difficulties coming into contact with the mother and child. 76% of them admit that they are in conflict with the mother for the visitation rights. 83% fear the distance that can be created between them and their children. 12% of men distance themselves from their children because it hurts to always have to say goodbye. 89% of fathers feel abandoned, but choose not to attend any family events. 97% of disputes are over child support payments. Some of the men feel that the current legal situation favors the divorce plans of the wives and work to the detriment of abandoned fathers. Only 13% of the abandoned fathers state the following: "My ex-wife and I have now found a reasonable way to talk to each other".




Disagreements between parents are often caused by the child support payments and visitation rights.Always try to seek divorce advice from an expert. Here are a father’s experiences: "I asked Claudia’s mother if I could pick her up next Friday at 2 o’clock because I wanted to take her to the circus. She said no! We had a little talk. Then I asked if I could take her on Saturday or Sunday and she said that the visiting hours were clear: every Friday from 3 to 6 o’clock. I told her I knew but I was wondering if I could make an exception this time. She said I had to pay the maintenance and then we would see..."



Many abandoned fathers (85%) experience an extreme form of suffering on traditional family occasions like Christmas, birthdays and wedding anniversaries. A separated father said: "I had never taken the kids with me in December... This is why Christmas was usually so disappointing for me... However, I got them this Christmas... I played Santa Claus over the entire Christmas Eve. I usually did that only for distraction... I was alone. I had no contact with my parents, nothing. As you can imagine, I usually wasn’t responsive anymore around 9 o’clock in the evening. The worst thing for me was that I spent almost 1,000 EUR on Christmas gifts for my three children and not even one of them called. Not one..."



Another father saw his upcoming birthday and wedding anniversary: "Tomorrow we would have celebrated my 38th anniversary... I would have celebrated my eleventh wedding anniversary... and that obviously hurts a lot. I cannot celebrate my birthday with my wife any longer. It hurts because the two special days coincided. I believe this is a day I will never forget in my life... I will most probably have to get used to the pain..."



Separation can also affect the professional capacity of the affected men. Actually, this happens in 73% of cases. A father said: "I really could not get myself together. I just went to work and sat there in front of the computer and the hundreds of folders and didn’t know what to do first. I didn’t know if that would last for a day or two weeks. In the end, it lasted for about three weeks."